This is Not the End-Rachel

I've come to a place where I'm constantly judging my relationship with God. I'm constantly wondering do I love Him enough, have I given Him everything, have I truly been changed solely because of Him, do I even believe in Him, truly?

I refuse to believe this is the freedom God promises us in John, Psalms, Galatians and plenty more places.

What is it in me that has not let go to fully accept and enjoy the gifts God has given me? What does my heart cling on to so tightly? For one, among other things that are yet to be discovered, it's control. I want to always be in "good standing" with God so if my worship isn't fervent enough, or I don't feel moved enough when I pray, I feel that it doesn't count, or even to the point that my words aren't going anywhere. I see my self sitting in my room and the words of my prayers bouncing off the ceiling back into my lap.

My Dad recently told me a story about the man who asked Jesus to heal his son. Jesus asked him " Do you believe?" and the man said "I believe, but help me with my unbelief."

I don't even remember why my dad reminded me of that story; but I feel like it was meant for my ears. I want to have a faith that doesn't teeter with the amount of miracles I see, or tangible God reminders. (although they are constantly there, look at the world around us) I want to have a faith that stands firm in the darkest of moments, and cries "Abba, Father" and without wavering, expects an answer in return.

I know He is there, and in me but I want to know more of Him, His promises, and His spirit.

I believe that true surrender of one's life calls for radical changes. No doubt God has already done some amazing changes in my life. People who knew me a few years ago would not recognize the girl they meet today. And that is all God, because I'm telling you the girl who I was, could have never on her own turned into the girl I am today. However, I can't help feeling that there is another large growth process God wants to put me through.

Recently, in life group one of the women was recounting the day when she fully realized that her children were not her own. She referenced the story of Abraham and Isaac, and how Abraham's amazing faith in God made him willing to give His own son for a sacrifice to God. Now, most of us know the end of this story, God of course stops Abraham before he kills his son, and tells him He now knows where Abraham's true allegiance was.

I think it was Abraham's deep, intimate relationship with God that made him so willing to do what he was told to. He knew the nature of God, and knew that no matter how radical, how scary the plan seemed, that God was in control and that he wanted good things for His children.

So many times we automatically think "good things" means comfortable things. But the Bible clearly tells is that God disciplines those whom He loves. A parent who loves their child disciplines them because they see the end result. And God even says, "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" (Matthew 7:11)

As I was listening to this woman speak, I didn't even have a chance to finish asking myself what was I unwilling to sacrifice to God before it came to mind. Anxiety had been crippling me for a while and I knew my fear was causing me to cling so tightly to the things around me.

Constant anxiety is something I have dealt with in the past. I went on medicine for a while, felt fine, stopped taking medicine and figured, "Great! I must be cured!" without ever dealing with the cause. I need to relearn how to communicate with myself, and find out what deep down I'm clinging to that is causing it.

I would sit and pray "Lord, take this anxiety from me. I give you everything." My boyfriend, Apollo, who I love, would pop in my head. A pit would fall in my stomach. "Except him." In the past, dating relationships were something that I knew obviously that I needed to give up because they were obviously sinful. I refused to believe that God would ever want me to to give up a relationship that was following God's commands and spurring each other on towards Him. And yet my anxiety ranged on. Taking over my thoughts completely, anxiety became this terrible, annoying close friend.

I believe God wants to free me from anxiety. I believe it will take work. And I believe He needs to break me just a little more, so I will truly trust him.

I love Apollo more than I have loved any one on this earth. I want to marry him, I want to be a part of his future. But a wife who is crippled with anxiety, and ignoring the promptings of the spirit is not what I envision for him.

I hope that God will bring us back together. But I'm choosing to trust that even if that doesn't happen, I will be ok. I don't pretend for a second to like, or fully understand this plan. But we both have a peace that breaking up is exactly what we are meant to do. Of course I would love to call this, "just a break" and in my head be preparing to start dating again in a month. But that wouldn't really be letting go of the relationship at all.

My hope is that this will somehow bring glory to God. I hope some of you are encouraged to look at your lives to see what God is asking you to release to Him. I think relationships are a beautiful gift from God...when we are fully ready for them. Something in me isn't ready. I don't believe anxiety is a part of the fully "healthy version" of myself.

What I need from you:

1. Prayer.

Please please pray. Please pray that I would tirelessly seek after God and remain proactive in the endeavor. Please pray for protection against spiritual attack that would make me doubt God's love, provision, protection, or even existence. When we are weakest, Satan pulls out all the stops and I expect them to come full force.

2. Community.

When I'm upset, I go into hermit mode and alienate the people around me. Even when I'm happy I've never been good at the "girlfriend" thing. I forget to call or text or schedule hang outs and then next thing I know I have no close girlfriends anymore. Please help me with this. Help push me along into community so I can receive some healing through that.

3. Discussion.

It would be so easy to fall into the trap of "well this is awkward, let's never bring it up cuz we don't want to upset her." Please don't do that. Please constantly be challenging me and asking me what am I doing to grow closer to the Father. Don't let me hide.

I'm so scared, and sad. But I'm also excited to see what God has in store for me. He must love me a lot to want to grow and mold me so much. And I believe he wants that growth for every single one of us. We just have to trust Him.

We've had some songs throughout our relationship, but we really feel like God just gave us a new one. Listen to Gungor's song "This is Not the End," if you like.

My Valentines Day!

This Valentines Day was an extra special one, because I got to celebrate it with an amazing guy...My boyfriend, Apollo =)
He's a pretty cool guy.
I kinda have a crush on him.
We sorta have fun together.

So I woke up Valentines Day morning to Frank Sinatra. Where was it coming from? I got up out of bed and looked down at my feet. A trail of rose petals went from my door all the way downstairs. What was going on? I followed the trail and it led me to my parents kitchen table, and to Apollo in their kitchen, already cooking me breakfast. Yeah. He's good. It was the best surprise and a wonderful way to start the day before I had to go to work.

Later on that night, it was my turn to treat him. So I went to Trader Joe's and got us some spinach ravioli, (one of his favorites) asparagus, and some wine. I was ready to go. Some dinner, a homemade card, and our Valentine's Dinner was set....and without spending a lot of cash. And you know what? It was the best valentines day yet.


Him busting out his guitar and serenading me for the rest of the night helped a little too =)

Here are some pics from our Valentines morning/night!

Put a Bow on it!

I've been seeing these ahhmazing bathing suits all over Pintrest, and hearing other people talk about seeing them on tumbler. So, after a little searching, I found the source to these oh so cute, one of a kind suits!






Anyone would feel like a pin up girl in one of these! You can find these suits at another love of mine, ETSY!! It's such a great site full of amazing homemade finds! These bathing suits are among the many! Careful, you could be stuck on this site all day!

To go to the amazing AMOUROUSE Etsy site to snag one of these suits, CLICK HERE!

Ok now we have to get ready to wear one of these things. Uhoh. I ate an ungodly amount of Valentines Day chocolates!

Hot Product Alert!

Whenever I come across an amazing product, I feel like I have to share it with all of my friends! If you are anything like me, mascara is a daily must have! But the prices of some of these products can be out of this world! Well, search no more! I found and amazing mascara, at an equally amazing price!



Eyes Lips Face is an amazing makeup line, that focusses on affordable pricing, while keeping their products great quality. They started out with every product priced at $1!!! Now they have their special "Studio" line that's a little bit fancier, with prices for most products at just $3! It's amazing. I love this $3 mascara! It doesn't clump or bleed through the day, and my lashes look great! Only thing about this I would say is that you have to let it dry a little bit longer than other mascaras. It stays a little tacky for a little bit longer. Other than that, it's all good!!

So go get your hands on this wallet saving product!!

And that, in a nutshell, is my favorite mascara!


To go to this awesome website, CLICK HERE!

Oui Oui

Bonjour my lovely friends!

If you know me from when I was younger at all, you know I went through a phase where I was completely obsessed with all things Paris related. So getting the chance to make French Macaroons...YUM!!

These were a little difficult to make, but when all is said and done, you feel like a fancy pastry chef! AND THEY ARE DELISH!

So here is the recipe I used:

Ingredients
1 cup confectioners’ sugar, 4.5 oz
3/4 cup almond flour, 2.5 oz. (Found mine at Lassen's)
2 large egg whites, room temperature
Pinch of cream of tartar
1/4 cup superfine sugar, 1.5 oz. (also called baker’s sugar)
3/4 cup seedless raspberry jam, for filling


How to:
1. Pulse confectioners’ sugar and almond flour in a food processor until combined. Sift mixture 2 times. (I found sifting difficult with the almond flour. The almond flour was too thick to go through any sifter. But a few good extra pulses in the food processor was enough without the sifting to get a smoother texture.

2. Whisk whites with a mixer on medium speed until foamy.


Add cream of tartar, and whisk until soft peaks form.


Reduce speed to low, then add superfine sugar. Increase speed to high, and whisk until stiff peaks form, (for me it took only 3 to 4 minutes, take care not to over-whip). If you’re going to add color, I added food coloring towards the end of whipping my whites.

I used only three drops and got a really nice color!


3. Sift flour mixture over whites, and fold until mixture is smooth and shiny. I found the amount of folding to be crucial. About 50 fold was just right. The right amount of fold is super important! Too many, and it will be too runny, too few, you wont get a nice smooth "cap" look on top of your macaroons. You can test a daub on a plate, and if a small peak remains, turn the batter a couple times more. If the batter forms a round cap but doesn’t run, it is just right. When I spooned my batter into the pastry bag, the perfect batter started to just ooze out of the tip once the bag was full. If it stayed stiff inside the bag it was too stiff, if it dripped out too fast the batter was too runny.

4. Transfer batter to a pastry bag fitted with a 1/2-inch plain round tip.

5. Pipe 3/4-inch rounds 1 inch apart on parchment-lined baking sheets. I put the tip right in the middle of where I wanted each macaron and let the batter billow up around it, then I drug the tip to the side of the round. (You can pipe 1-inch to 2-inch rounds, but you will need to add cooking time).

(This batch got a little too thin, so a couple ran together)

Let stand at room temperature for 30 to 45 minutes. (Different recipes recommend anywhere from no rest time to 2 hours rest time. I was most happy with 30 to 45 minutes rest time, once the caps looked more dull and had formed a slight skin.) While they’re resting, preheat oven to 375 degrees.

6. Reduce oven temperature to 325 degrees. Bake 1 sheet at a time, rotating halfway through, until macarons are crisp and firm, about 10 minutes. After each batch, increase oven temperature to 375 degrees, heat for 5 minutes, then reduce to 325 degrees. Every oven is different, so you may need to play with your oven temperature. The tops of the macaron shells should not brown.

7. Let macarons cool on sheets for 2 to 3 minutes, then transfer to a wire rack.


8. Sandwich 2 same-size macarons with 1 teaspoon jam. Serve immediately, or stack between layers of parchment, wrap in plastic, and freeze for up to 3 months. It takes only 30 minutes out of the freezer for macarons to be ready to serve. THEN INHALE!!!!


What's the latest fun thing you've made? I hooe you guys try these out! They are so pretty to look at...and so fun to eat!

Special thanks to giverslog.com for your amazing tips!

Pucker Up!

Good Morning All!

Lately I've been seeing lot's of different posts and claims about the amazing powers of lemon water. Yes. Apparently it's the secret to life in general. I thought I would do some research and find out what's the deal with this sour miracle water.

1. It keeps skin clear and glowing!
Hydration from drinking lemon water is great for moisturizing our skin from the inside out. Lemon also contains lots of Vitamin C, which helps with wrinkles and blemishes. Say What?? OK. That's it. 10 glasses a day.

2. It kick starts the digestive system
It encourages the liver to produce bile which in turn aids in digestion. It increases urination which helps purify it.(That pee should be very pale yellow, ladies and gents!) It also helps with heartburn and constipation. OK I suffer from heartburn all the time! May be a glass of this before every meal?

3. It helps with weight loss
Lemons are high in fiber pectin, which helps keep one full, longer. They also have a diuretic effect, which helps with water weight gain. I'm gonna tell this to my dad who is trying to lose some weight!

4. It helps control the coffee habit
After just quitting coffee a couple of weeks ago, this one really caught my attention. May be my morning "wake me up" drink can be a tall glass of lemon water.

5. It helps kick the soda habit
Another blogger mentioned adding lemon to sparkling water so you can fulfill your FIZZ fixation! The bubbles are what I like best about soda anyway!

6. Assists in lowering blood pressure.

7. In pregnancy it helps build strong bones in the child. Hey SIS! Dija hear that?!

8. Reduces the amount of phlegm in the body. Ew. Who wants phlegm? (Is it just me or is the way 'phlegm' is spelled even gross?)

9. Helps relieve cold and flu symptoms. Got the sniffles? This should do the trick! Probably cuz of all the of the vitamin C that is packed in that lemon!

!0. Eating it before a meal helps you absorb more necessary nutrients!

How can you argue with those? Is there one reason NOT to start drinking it today? I think not! Some more tips:

Water that is warm or room temperature will provide the most health benefits and allow for the full enzymatic and energetic properties of the lemon. If you like a hot drink in the morning, warm lemon water is the best choice.

If you weigh less than 150 pounds and are in good health, squeeze half a fresh lemon about one ounce) in 12 to 16 ounces of filtered water first thing in the morning for the best cleansing benefits.

If you weigh over 150 pounds, squeeze a whole lemon (two ounces) into clean water and drink it twice daily. However, if this is too strong, dilute it to taste.

Drinking it once a day is beneficial, but twice a day is even better. If you drink more than that, it is best to add it gradually over time since the lemon juice will accelerate body detoxification.

Too much lemon water too quickly can cause uncomfortable detoxification symptoms such as headaches, bowel changes, or fatigue.

Alright! I guess I found my new favorite drink! I hope you try it too! Squeeze on!

Thank you to waterbenefitshealth.com for you're medical expertise!