This is Not the End-Rachel

I've come to a place where I'm constantly judging my relationship with God. I'm constantly wondering do I love Him enough, have I given Him everything, have I truly been changed solely because of Him, do I even believe in Him, truly?

I refuse to believe this is the freedom God promises us in John, Psalms, Galatians and plenty more places.

What is it in me that has not let go to fully accept and enjoy the gifts God has given me? What does my heart cling on to so tightly? For one, among other things that are yet to be discovered, it's control. I want to always be in "good standing" with God so if my worship isn't fervent enough, or I don't feel moved enough when I pray, I feel that it doesn't count, or even to the point that my words aren't going anywhere. I see my self sitting in my room and the words of my prayers bouncing off the ceiling back into my lap.

My Dad recently told me a story about the man who asked Jesus to heal his son. Jesus asked him " Do you believe?" and the man said "I believe, but help me with my unbelief."

I don't even remember why my dad reminded me of that story; but I feel like it was meant for my ears. I want to have a faith that doesn't teeter with the amount of miracles I see, or tangible God reminders. (although they are constantly there, look at the world around us) I want to have a faith that stands firm in the darkest of moments, and cries "Abba, Father" and without wavering, expects an answer in return.

I know He is there, and in me but I want to know more of Him, His promises, and His spirit.

I believe that true surrender of one's life calls for radical changes. No doubt God has already done some amazing changes in my life. People who knew me a few years ago would not recognize the girl they meet today. And that is all God, because I'm telling you the girl who I was, could have never on her own turned into the girl I am today. However, I can't help feeling that there is another large growth process God wants to put me through.

Recently, in life group one of the women was recounting the day when she fully realized that her children were not her own. She referenced the story of Abraham and Isaac, and how Abraham's amazing faith in God made him willing to give His own son for a sacrifice to God. Now, most of us know the end of this story, God of course stops Abraham before he kills his son, and tells him He now knows where Abraham's true allegiance was.

I think it was Abraham's deep, intimate relationship with God that made him so willing to do what he was told to. He knew the nature of God, and knew that no matter how radical, how scary the plan seemed, that God was in control and that he wanted good things for His children.

So many times we automatically think "good things" means comfortable things. But the Bible clearly tells is that God disciplines those whom He loves. A parent who loves their child disciplines them because they see the end result. And God even says, "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" (Matthew 7:11)

As I was listening to this woman speak, I didn't even have a chance to finish asking myself what was I unwilling to sacrifice to God before it came to mind. Anxiety had been crippling me for a while and I knew my fear was causing me to cling so tightly to the things around me.

Constant anxiety is something I have dealt with in the past. I went on medicine for a while, felt fine, stopped taking medicine and figured, "Great! I must be cured!" without ever dealing with the cause. I need to relearn how to communicate with myself, and find out what deep down I'm clinging to that is causing it.

I would sit and pray "Lord, take this anxiety from me. I give you everything." My boyfriend, Apollo, who I love, would pop in my head. A pit would fall in my stomach. "Except him." In the past, dating relationships were something that I knew obviously that I needed to give up because they were obviously sinful. I refused to believe that God would ever want me to to give up a relationship that was following God's commands and spurring each other on towards Him. And yet my anxiety ranged on. Taking over my thoughts completely, anxiety became this terrible, annoying close friend.

I believe God wants to free me from anxiety. I believe it will take work. And I believe He needs to break me just a little more, so I will truly trust him.

I love Apollo more than I have loved any one on this earth. I want to marry him, I want to be a part of his future. But a wife who is crippled with anxiety, and ignoring the promptings of the spirit is not what I envision for him.

I hope that God will bring us back together. But I'm choosing to trust that even if that doesn't happen, I will be ok. I don't pretend for a second to like, or fully understand this plan. But we both have a peace that breaking up is exactly what we are meant to do. Of course I would love to call this, "just a break" and in my head be preparing to start dating again in a month. But that wouldn't really be letting go of the relationship at all.

My hope is that this will somehow bring glory to God. I hope some of you are encouraged to look at your lives to see what God is asking you to release to Him. I think relationships are a beautiful gift from God...when we are fully ready for them. Something in me isn't ready. I don't believe anxiety is a part of the fully "healthy version" of myself.

What I need from you:

1. Prayer.

Please please pray. Please pray that I would tirelessly seek after God and remain proactive in the endeavor. Please pray for protection against spiritual attack that would make me doubt God's love, provision, protection, or even existence. When we are weakest, Satan pulls out all the stops and I expect them to come full force.

2. Community.

When I'm upset, I go into hermit mode and alienate the people around me. Even when I'm happy I've never been good at the "girlfriend" thing. I forget to call or text or schedule hang outs and then next thing I know I have no close girlfriends anymore. Please help me with this. Help push me along into community so I can receive some healing through that.

3. Discussion.

It would be so easy to fall into the trap of "well this is awkward, let's never bring it up cuz we don't want to upset her." Please don't do that. Please constantly be challenging me and asking me what am I doing to grow closer to the Father. Don't let me hide.

I'm so scared, and sad. But I'm also excited to see what God has in store for me. He must love me a lot to want to grow and mold me so much. And I believe he wants that growth for every single one of us. We just have to trust Him.

We've had some songs throughout our relationship, but we really feel like God just gave us a new one. Listen to Gungor's song "This is Not the End," if you like.